Still Adrift

So, here I am…laying in bed. I really should be sleeping. I went to bed over an hour ago. Not sure why, but I feel like I’ve been fighting it for some reason. Granted, the last few weeks it’s been hot and my allergies are kicking my ass, so it’s been a little more difficult to fall asleep and sleep well. I haven’t slept well in a few weeks and it’s starting to weigh on me. This of course makes me cranky, easily annoyed and uber emotional and sensitive.

Well, I don’t necessarily think that lack of sleep or decent sleep is the cause for all of it. I’ve felt quite odd lately and seem to have animosity towards certain people and I can’t pinpoint what it is. I’ve also found myself feeling more attatched to certain people. I seem to go through these cycles.

I turn 29 in a few weeks. My last year in my 20′s. You don’t know how much that bothers me. Or how weird it is to say that. I could go into reflect mode, but I’ll save that for another time. Hell, it’s not like I have hundreds of posts where I’ve reflected on shit or anything…..

Geez. After 11:30p. Guess I should hush. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to sleep by midnight and get 5 hours in.

Thanks for enduring my ramblings.

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A few weeks ago, I had to travel to Santa Ana for the day to attend jury duty. This was my first time having jury duty and I was quite interested in how it would be. I know most people complain about having to go to jury duty and yeah, the change in my routine and having to sit there and wait to see if your name is called is annoying, but I think if you get to participate it’s very interesting.

I got there around 7:45a and after sitting through orientation, listening to a judge give a speech about how important jury duty is and watching some lame TV, my name got called around 11:45a and I was chosen to go into a courtroom after lunch. At 1:30p, I went to the courtroom I was assigned to, the bailiff took roll to make sure we were all there and we were let inside. They called 12 people into the jury box and the defense attorney and prosecutor began questioning them.

The defendant was a man who was accused of violating  a restraining order. Something I wasn’t expecting was for the defendant to be sitting there. It makes sense in hindsight, but at the time it never occurred to me. The point the defense attorney kept making was confirming w/each person in the box that they could, as the law states, consider this man innocent until proven guilty and that the burden is on the prosecutor to prove that this man, beyond a reasonable doubt, did violate the restraining order. It’s amazing how they do it, but the defense attorney asked the same questions about 40 different times in about 30 different ways. Clever I think, but probably necessary.

The defense attorney excused quite a few jurors from the box – a racist guy, people with attitude, a former sheriff and a few women. I suspect their jobs or background excused them, each attorney had a spec. sheet about our lives in front of them. It was funny, one guy yelled out “fuck” when his name was called for him to go into the jury box. Needless to say, he was excused.

Unfortunately, I never got called into the box. Once I was there and saw how the process worked, I was really hoping to be called. Crime and court stuff has always fascinated me, so I was a little excited to be there. The judge also said this would have a been a short case, maybe 1-2 days, so if one was going to serve on a jury, this would have been the case to be on.

So, for a year, I am good on my civic duty. I think it would be very interesting to serve on a jury. Though, there is the uncomfortableness of kinda being in control of some one’s life. I think I could be objective though. Maybe someday.

Music: Jack White – Fly Farm Blues

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I don’t plan on this post making any sense. I find myself to be emotional after reading a friend’s blog post. I am happy for her, she talked about returning to the things in life that she loved and making time to do that. I really think that is great for her.

I’ve felt for months, maybe even close to a year, that I was in the midst of this turning point in my life. I think I’ve written about it many times. And you know what, nothing has changed. I realize this is my doing, so not blaming anyone else or anything else. I guess I’ve felt on the verge of something and I was just waiting for that thing to come and it didn’t. At one point, earlier this year, I thought that it had come. For the first time in my life, I told a guy how I felt about him. And it backfired, big time. I’ve had an unusually difficult time with this…but my point is, in that moment,  I thought I was in my turning point and now that I know I wasn’t, I’m devastated. Yes, I know, I can’t just sit around and wait for things to happen, but I have no idea where to go or what to do to find this turning point.

All I know is that, in comparision to those in my life, I’m feeling very left behind and it hurts and it makes me sad. And I don’t expect anyone to understand – I barely understand myself. And, don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy for those in my life and the great things that are happening for them. I have just felt so stagnant for so long and it’s slowly making me die and fall apart inside. I really believe that. I keep thinking that if I weren’t alone that would solve problems, but it won’t. I’m so fucked up, I mean, how can I even begin to try and have a relationship, even if  it something I want more than anything.

I feel foolish, immature, ashamed, and ridiculous amongst other feelings. I need to find some sort of clarity, I need to be pulled out of this fog that I have been in… I need to find something in my life that makes me happy, that gives me meaning, that gives me passion. I need to find a different outlook, a different way of thinking, but it’s so damn hard. Anytime I secretly try, I wind up falling apart.

I just…you know, that’s all I have.

Music: The White Stripes – White Moon

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Last night I asked this question on Twitter: Does having a positive/negative attitude case good/bad things to happen to you? I know your attitude helps perception, but does it cause things to happen?

Here are the responses I received:
“No, I was actually thinking about that sort of thing the other day. Shit happens. It just does.”
“Clearly, you need to drink more wine.”
“I think attitude can cause by affecting the perceptions of people around you, which leads to changes in their actions…”
“I wonder sometimes..I hear that it might have something to do with it. Don’t know if it is true though.”

I’ve had this question on my mind for a few days now and what started it was I had one friend say things to me like “The bad just doesn’t stop with me, my life was written that way.” (I am paraphrasing…) And then the next day or two, I had another friend tell me that she’s been having the worst luck and the bad things never stop happening.

I found myself telling the first friend that a lot may have to do w/attitude, and that I had no room to talk because I have a very negative view on life, so I understand that it’s hard to be positive when you’ve been through a lot. Now, I will concede that both of these friends have had some shitty things happen to them w/in the last year or so.  Things that I might argue the majority of us don’t go through. But is it really about luck? Are these people “born” to have bad shit happen to them? By my own perception, I’ve gone through a lot of “hard times,” but nothing really comparable to their various situations.

So, this is why I asked the question. I wondered, if their negative attitudes on life caused bad things to happen. I have a negative attitude, does that cause the bad things that happen to occur? I’m inclined to say no. I mean, the person above who stated that your attitude can change others’ perception of you, which can affect their actions…that makes sense. Having say, confidence and a good attitude, will more than likely get you farther w/people than ones who do not. But I guess I am thinking the random, “bad luck” things that happen. I kinda think I am more on the line of the “shit happens.” It does. It’s shitty, but it just does. But perhaps, your attitude can set things into motion to where bad things wind up happening, though not the direct cause.

I find it interesting. I’ve always wondered why bad things happened to seemingly good people. (Un)Forutnately, I have a few people in my life  who constantly have shitty things happen and don’t really deserve it. (I say unfortunately because I think it sucks that they have such a hard time, but I say fortunately because I am fortunate to have them in my life.)

Just want to know where the bad comes from….

Music: Jamie Cullum – Get Your Way

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I have enforced a rule for myself (and my two friends at work)…we are no longer allowed to use WebMD’s symptom checker. Why? Because it is not helpful…and for 3 fairly paranoid people, it does nothing but cause worry. One of us has a brain aneurysm, one has colon cancer and I have a spinal tumor.

For months, I have been experiencing a lot of lower back pain. Just a dull, or sometimes not so dull, ache. I installed the WebMD Symptom app. for my iPhone and laid in bed one night trying to diagnose myself. The conclusion was that I may have anything from a strained muscle to a spinal tumor. How is that even REMOTELY helpful?? I’ve decided that their questions are so vague and generalized, that it’s impossible to “confirm” any sort of diagnosis, unless you have strong symptoms. But an achy back is not one of them.

Now, I do admit that I did use it last December when I had my eye infection. From my symptoms, WebMD told me I probably had pink eye or an eye infection. But I specific symptoms, red sclera, green mucous coming out of my eye, swollen.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to knock the site. I think WebMD is a great website with tons of information and support IF you know what you are dealing with. But, if you don’t, it’s like a needle in a hay stack. Of course I don’t think that I have spinal tumor, but you know… knowing that the way I answered my questions brought up that diagnosis is a little unnerving. I say just go to your doc. Speak to a human instead of answering general questions that kind of pertain to your situation.

Music: The Beatles – Revolution

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I was watching an episode of CSI: New York at my parents’ house. Most of these crime shows do not have the most clever of writing, but something Gary Sinese’s character said really struck with me. If I were smart, I would have took note of the exact words at the time, but since I wasn’t, I will paraphrase:  his character said something like, even the good memories you need to let go of.

I generally think of good memories as something positive – something that crosses your mind that makes you smile or feel good inside. Or something you randomly think of that makes you laugh. Never did it cross my mind that, even a good memory, can be damaging.

The context in which this quote was this chick has a thing for Gary Sinese’s character, even after a lengthy amount of time goes by. She says that to him and he responds w/the quote above. I am very much like this person. I will hang on to any little memory I have and use it as a reason, as a hope, of something happening. It doesn’t matter if it was a years ago, months ago or days ago. Doing this has done nothing but hurt me in the long run. I concede that it is very unhealthy and it is no way to live your life. I find myself constantly trying to justify the way I feel by something that was said 6 months ago. Logically, I am aware that things changes, people change and feelings change, but I can never let go.

On a somewhat flip side, in the past I have thought I needed closure in certain situations, thinking that will help me somehow. Maybe in some instances knowing the “why” can be very helpful, but for me, it never has been. Part of me rather hold on to the past and what is in my own head, than know the why and have to deal with that.

Sigh. Very healthy, right? I am way too much in my own head. And I’m not sure how to break that cycle. I over analyze everything and hang on to slivers of ”hope” that do not even exist.

Music: Alice in Chains – Heaven Beside You (Unplugged)

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This was my first 311 show in almost 3 years – my last one was 08.19.2007 and I remember being a little disappointed in that show. Things seemed off w/the band and they had some technical difficulties towards the end of the show and had to stop playing, which completely killed the vibe that was going on.

The show in Paso Robles was 1,000 times better. First, the band Pepper opened. I was not thrilled w/them. While I have seen them open for 311 once and do have one of their albums, I failed to enjoy them this time. One of my favorite songs they played, they played so fast I could hardly understand what they were saying. The most interesting thing about Pepper was that Ron Jeremy introduced them and after their set was done, Ron Jeremy came down the aisle from where we were sitting. I was only 3 seats from the aisle. He is really a small, gross man.

Next was The Offspring. I have to say that I was just as excited to see them as I was to see 311. I’ve always liked The Offspring and was really looking forward to seeing them. While we were waiting to see them, my friend’s husband said that they were a great live band and he was not lying. The fucking killed it. They played a few songs I did not recognize, but they put on an AMAZING live show.  There were a lot of Offspring fans in the audience and their energy got everyone going and got the crowd pumped for 311. (Though, part of me is wondering if there weren’t more Offspring fans in the audience rather than 311 – the “hard core” 311 fans seemed few and far between).

As mentioned above 311 was amazing. They sounded great and polished. One thing I love about them is that you can sense and see the love and passion they have for what they do. That definitely carries out into the audience. I have to say that this is the first 311 show that I just let loose at…I sang, I danced and I was totally in a zone. I fucking loved it. I mean, I think it’s amazing to find a band or musicians that can bring  you to a whole other level – it’s weird, you are there watching and listening, but your soul and mind are in a whole different plane. I know you probably think I am crazy. This one girl in the crowd stopped me in the middle of one of my grooves and said I had a wonderful spirit w/the music and she loved that. Albeit, I think she was drunk, but she totally got it.

I was hoping to hear a few 311 songs that I have never heard before, but it didn’t happen. They played one song that I’ve only heard once live and it was a long time ago, so that was awesome. I did tweet the band, requesting that they play their song Eons, but I’m sure their setlist was already set in stone.

This was definitely one of the best shows I have ever seen, if not the best. It was a decent venue, the crowed was decent (except the people around us were drunk and moronic, but I find that at every concert I attend).  Another thing that made this concert awesome was going with my best friend and her husband. She and I went to our first 311 show together in May, 2000. And going with her again made it even more special.

This concert and the music helped me feel so much better and forget all of the things that have been plaguing me recently…I completely forgot about everything and was in extreme bliss, if only for a few hours.

It is amazing what music can do.

Music: 311 – D’yer Ma’ker

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I noticed the last time I blogged, so I felt the need to say something. Not sure that is a good thing…saying something just for the sake of saying something when you don’t really have anything to say, but yet…here I am.

I’m alive, I’m working, dealing with life the best way I can. Been really stressed lately, a lot on my mind…and while I am looking forward to some things in the coming weeks, I’d really like to get this month over with.

Had a fun 4th weekend…got really drunk and was happy and numb for hours. I must say, it was nice to just let loose and be happy. It’s sad that I require alcohol to feel that good, but what can I say, it’s true. And I met a guy, he was cool…he’s an obsessed White Stripes fan and he said he would get me a copy of some rare stuff that he played for me on his iPod that night. Too bad my friend says he’s a pig. Figures. Perhaps a new friend, though. Can’t complain about that.

Been thinking a lot about starting a new 365 photo project. Mainly because I want to take more pictures and I know doing a project will get me in the habit again. I have a few ideas of what to do for the project, just haven’t decided yet.

Got my first jury summons. I must report to Santa Ana. I’m kind of annoyed, but also excited. I think it’d be an awesome experience to serve on a jury.

I think that is all. Nothing to exciting or eventful.Nice and even steven.

Music: The Black Keys – Sinister Kid

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I seem to be in denial about how much I dislike my job. The work itself isn’t bad. And it’s not difficult work, my only real complaint is that there’s not much freedom.

My supervisor and the way my department is as a whole doesn’t make things any easier. My supervisor is borderline incompetent at her job and the rest of the department is very cliquey. The team I work on is always left out of things and sometimes the rest of the department seems to look down on us. It’s ridiculous because it’s two different jobs, doesn’t mean you’re better.

I feel extremely guilty for not liking my job. This is a fantastic company, the best I have ever worked for. And while my boss bothers me sometimes, she honestly cares about me and is putting me through programs because she sees potential in me and thinks I can grow within the company. The pay is also decent for what I do.

I’m really on the fence. It’s awesome that I may have potential to grow here, but it won’t be for a long time, I’d say
1-2 years. How long am I supposed to wait? I’m very over-qualified for what I do, as is most of the team I’m on. We’re very bored. But I do think it’s a few of them that keep me sane here.

Bottom line, I will probably start looking for something else. Not only am I bored, but I could use more money. And, honestly, I think I am worth more…not to sound vain.

Oh…and I typed this out on my phone at my desk when I should be working. Oops.

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Below are the stats of this website from 05/21/2007 – 06/16/2010. Though my site has been around since 03/2001, there was no analytics reporting until 05/2007. Enjoy.

Total page visits: 8,339
Total page views: 12,376
Average time on site: 1:16

75% of traffic came from referring sites (the top being http://www.mercurystate.com)
15% of traffic came from direct traffic to my site
10% of traffic came from search engines

My Top 10 Blog posts:

1. 311, Uplifter – Album Review: 123 page views
2. Marenco Scrapona Moscato D’Asti: 67 page views
3. Legend of the Dreambox: 65 page views
4. I Miss My Innocence: 35 page views
5. My First Baby Blessing & Church Services: 34 page views
6. Declawing Cats: 27 page views
7. Things I Hate About Monster.com: 24 page views
8. Water in the Trunk: 21 page views
9. Monchhof 2006 Estate Riesling: 18 page views
10. Water in my Cereal: 16 page views

I don’t really have much commentary on this, I have no idea if these #’s are good or not, but I don’t suppose it really matters. Though, I have to admit, I was hoping for some bigger #’s.

 I think the next thing I want to do is go through my 9 years worth of blog posts, pick out some of my favorites and share them with you. (And, for those who have read for a long time, feel free to let me know if you remember any that stand out in your mind.)

Music: OutKast – The Whole World

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